When Clarity Becomes a Challenge
During discussions and team meetings, there are times when someone states something with confidence, only to later deny it or shift the narrative entirely. This can leave others feeling confused, questioning their own recollection of events or even doubting there own understanding. When confronted, the response is often dismissive or subtly mocking, reinforcing the doubt. This cycle of manipulation, commonly known as gaslighting, can be frustrating and damaging to team dynamics.
One of the most significant signs of gaslighting at work is when someone commits to a task or agreement, only to later act as if they never did. The impact of this is, instead of focusing on moving forward, the team gets stuck in a loop of clarifications, trying to establish what was actually agreed upon. The conversation derails from the actual topic into a debate over what was said, creating unnecessary friction and slowing progress. This greatly impacts the teams motivation and collaboration.
A Real Experience
In a recent incident, while discussing what updates would be shared during a review, a team member mentioned he would be demoing a partially completed feature. To my knowledge, it wasn’t even at a stage where it could be demoed. I asked again to confirm, and in response, he mocked me in the meeting, saying, “That is what is expected, and I will demo it.” Assuming I might have missed something, I let it go, thinking there might actually be something to demo.
However, during the actual review, when I asked him to proceed, he said, “I am not sure why I am being asked to demo since it cannot be demoed.” I was taken aback — it felt like gaslighting. Given the audience, I decided to let it slide, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. I later confirmed my understanding with others, and they all agreed that my expectation was correct. This wasn’t the first time he had denied something he had previously agreed to, and it is incredibly frustrating to get dragged into discussions just to prove what is right or wrong.
Expected Behaviour
Accountability matters. If you agree to something, own it. Changing the narrative later not only creates unnecessary confusion but also erodes trust. When people repeatedly have to clarify what was said versus what is now being claimed, it disrupts efficiency and collaboration.
If you are asked to do something and you are unsure about it, clarify upfront. If something cannot be done, communicate that early — not after wasting everyone’s time in meetings or discussions. We cannot and should not build processes and systems around everything that is said within a team. Trusting and taking people at their word is essential, and excessive administration should be avoided just because of a few team members.
For example, imagine a server is down, and two team members are on call. One of them agrees to investigate the issue, but during the update, the same person denies ever agreeing to look into it. Situations like these are not formal tasks; they are everyday responsibilities that come with working as a team. We rely on verbal commitments and trust each other to follow through. We shouldn’t have to document every conversation or send a formal message stating, “We discussed this over chat, and he/she agreed to look into the issue.”
The Bigger Impact
Does gaslighting impact the workplace? Absolutely. Does it create frustration? Without a doubt. Can it be handled? Yes, but it requires vigilance and a collective effort to call out such behaviour when it happens.
The real issue is not just the individual incidents — it’s the pattern. If left unchecked, gaslighting can corrode trust within a team, making it difficult to collaborate effectively. At some point, accountability has to come into play. Repeatedly shifting blame or denying responsibility means others have to clean up the mess, and that’s not a sustainable way to work. Addressing the issue directly and ensuring clarity in communication is key to breaking this cycle.
How did I handle it?
After this incident, I set up a one-on-one discussion with my colleague to talk about what happened. I shared how the situation made me feel and what I would have expected instead. He acknowledged that his behaviour came across as shifting the blame but admitted he didn’t realize it in the moment. He explained that he stumbled when asked to give the demo and wasn’t fully aware of how his response impacted me. I mentioned that if he had simply admitted, “I initially thought I could give the demo, but I later realized a few pieces were missing, so I wasn’t ready,” it would have been a much more transparent and constructive approach.
Comments