The Art of UNDERMINING

The art of undermining is an art only to the one practicing it. To the person on the receiving end, it is simply a slow form of demotivation.

Anyone who has read my articles, attended my workshops, or read my book The Art of Facilitation knows that I am a strong advocate of feedback. I strongly believe that growth is impossible without feedback. Not just positive feedback, but constructive feedback as well. We all have blind spots, and feedback helps us see what we cannot see ourselves.

However, recently I experienced what I can only describe as the extreme end of feedback. It was not the occasional suggestion for improvement or a periodic coaching conversation. It was feedback about almost everything. Every discussion contained observations. Every update led to recommendations. Every action seemed to trigger another point of improvement.

At first, I welcomed it. After all, if feedback helps us grow, then more feedback should help us grow faster, right?

Not necessarily.

Over time, I noticed a shift in myself. Earlier, when feedback was shared, I would listen and reflect. Then I found myself explaining my decisions. Eventually, those explanations turned into justifications. Somewhere down the line, acceptance quietly disappeared from the equation. Conversations became exercises in defending my actions. I was either justifying why I had done something or preparing myself for the next round of questions.

The result was exhausting.

The Impact

I found myself dreading interactions with this person. Not because I disliked them. Not because I was unwilling to learn. But because every conversation felt predictable. I knew that no matter what topic we started with, we would somehow end up discussing what could have been done differently.

This reminded me of a story about Mr. Xing and his reporting manager, Mr. Ping.

Mr. Ping was not just Mr. Xing’s manager. He was also his career coach. On paper, this seemed like an ideal setup. The person responsible for evaluating your work was also responsible for helping you grow. Unfortunately, things did not work out that way.

Mr. Ping was passionate about feedback. In fact, he believed that continuous feedback was the key to continuous improvement. Every interaction with Mr. Xing became an opportunity to coach, correct, guide, or improve.

The problem was not the intention. The intention was good.

The problem was the imbalance.

Almost every conversation focused on what needed improvement. Nearly every observation highlighted a gap, a missed opportunity, or a better way of doing something. Positive reinforcement was rare. Recognition was almost non existent. Even when things went well, the conversation quickly shifted toward what could have been done better.

Over time, Mr. Xing began to feel less like a valued employee and more like an unfinished project.

What made the situation even more difficult was the reporting relationship. When your manager is also your coach, how do you tell them that their coaching style is not working for you? How do you tell someone who genuinely believes they are helping that their help is becoming overwhelming?

These are not easy conversations. Ego often enters the room before the discussion even begins.

To his credit, Mr. Xing eventually raised the issue. He shared how he was feeling. He explained that the constant stream of feedback was becoming exhausting. He tried to communicate the impact it was having on his motivation and confidence.

Mr. Ping listened. He appeared to understand. Mr. Xing walked away believing that things might improve.

Instead, the intensity increased.

Perhaps Mr. Ping interpreted the conversation as another opportunity to coach. Perhaps he felt he needed to double down on helping. Whatever the reason, the outcome was clear. Mr. Xing became increasingly disengaged. His motivation dropped. His enthusiasm for working with Mr. Ping faded. Most importantly, the trust required for effective coaching began to disappear.

This is where feedback quietly crosses the line into undermining.

The difference between feedback and undermining is often not intent. In many cases, the intent remains positive. The difference lies in the impact.

Feedback says, “You are doing well, and here is how you can become even better.”

Undermining says, “No matter what you do, it is still not enough.”

Feedback builds confidence while improving performance.

Undermining slowly erodes confidence in the name of improving performance.

The irony is that many people who undermine others never realize they are doing it. They genuinely believe they are helping. They see themselves as coaches, mentors, and guides. Yet they fail to notice the growing frustration, defensiveness, and disengagement on the receiving end.

Just like medicine, feedback requires the right dosage. Too little feedback can prevent growth. Too much feedback can prevent confidence. And without confidence, growth becomes difficult.

Perhaps the most important question every manager, coach, and mentor should ask is not, “What can this person improve?”

Perhaps the better question is, “How is this person feeling after our conversation?”

Do they leave feeling inspired?

Do they leave feeling capable?

Do they leave feeling supported?

Or do they leave feeling smaller than when they walked in?

Because when people begin dreading conversations with their coach, manager, or mentor, the relationship is no longer helping them grow.

It is simply teaching them how to defend themselves.

And that is not feedback.

That is the art of undermining.

Questions for Managers

Before giving feedback, ask yourself:

• Have I acknowledged what is working?

• Does this person already know this?

• Is this feedback necessary right now?

• Am I helping them grow or helping myself feel useful?

• Will this conversation increase their confidence or decrease it?

Because nobody wants to spend their career feeling like a never ending improvement project.

Sometimes the most valuable feedback is not another suggestion.

Sometimes it is simply:

“You’re doing fine. Keep going.”